I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
