Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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