I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
