I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
