Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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