My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize