My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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