My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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