I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
