I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
