I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
