get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I feel great
I just peed on a car
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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