HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
