I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
