I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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