this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I party with great urgency now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
