If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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