when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
