Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
