He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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