My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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