Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
