he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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