Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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