i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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