saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
