glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
