I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The best revenge is premature balding
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize