Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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