I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
