fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
