we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No subtext here. People are naked.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
