Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
