currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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