That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
