Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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