if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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