i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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