i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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