Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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