I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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