Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
