you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
