Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
