we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
