but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
