Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
