I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
