dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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