It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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