Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
