I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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