good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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