Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
