Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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