I think I am morally bankrupt
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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