i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
