Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
