oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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