My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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