Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
