On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
