I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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