On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize