I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
